K-Mart Chronicles by: Istences and just about everyone else. 2/19: One day... Name: Istences #13 Date: Wed May 06 03:24:26 1992 I was goin' home from school, right? And all of the sudden the road opened up and I fell into an endless (or at least until I hit the bottom) pit and when I reached the bottom I was in a small, dark tunnel with a light coming out of one end. So I went to the light and it was in a small room. When I went in the room, the door closed ehind me and I was trapped in. All t at was in the room was a computer terminal and a chair. I we&t to the computer terminal and star ed using the modem and now I can't get outta here!!!! Help me!!!! ISTENCES 4/19: Well.... Name: Istences #13 Date: Thu May 07 09:37:46 1992 The next day, I spent all day trying to call a bulliten board system called Swirl's Thunderboard but every time I tried, it was busy. My frustration caused strange things to happen like one of my eyeballs fell out and my thumb detached from my hand. I was finally able to through, but not before I had lost all my hair. ISTENCES 6/19: The NEXT day... Name: Istences #13 Date: Fri May 08 15:09:23 1992 I spent the majority of my time trying to figure out exactly what I was doing in this place, ANYWAY. I racked my brain the entire day, to the point were it fell out. (I then put it back of course). Just when I thought I could do no more, there was a knock at the door [You readers from the previous chronicles will remember the door shut and I couldn't get out]. I was so surprised, I could barely get to the door in time before the person left. When I opened the door I couldn't help but say, "Father?" "Yes, son." "I want to kill you." Lo and behold it was freakin' JIM MORRISON at the door. Now this was way too much for me to believe so I recounted what happened: I was walkin' home from school, I fell in a pit, I got stuck in a room with a computer, I spent all day trying to call Swirl's Thunderboard, various parts of my body fell off and now there I was, talking to Jim Morrison. Jim closed the door, offered me a piece of phrophet-like poetry, and proceeded to make himself a bed. I could hardly hold my bladder! I then called a BBS and wrote my story. ISTENCES 8/19: You WON'T believe... Name: Istences #13 Date: Sat May 09 08:03:16 1992 Ok. Just woke up this morning after a long night. Holy crap, I mean YOU try sleeping with Jim Morrison! Anyway, it was the worst night. After I wrote my story yesterday, Jim totally spazzed, I mean I guess he couldn't take the pressure of being in the same room with me for 5 minutes. Can't understand why, though. So good, ole Jim asked me if he could use my computer, right? So of course I said sure. Ya know, no big deal. Well holy crap, as it turns out Jim Morrison was a MAJOR hacker! First he called a few BBS's, dotnloaded stuff for free, then proceeded to crash them! Of course I couldn't let this happen, so Isaid,"Jim, I'm afraid I cannot let you do that." (deja vu from 2001) Jim didn't seem phased so with a mighty grip, he threw me against the wall and said, "Now you've REALLY gone and done it!" And he then formatted my hard drive. Man was I PISSED!!! That was the last straw... A man can play with your modem all he wants, but when it comes to touching his hard drive, that's where I draw the line. I lept at him, but he dodged, the bastard. He drew a small 3 1/2 inch diskette from his belt and threw it at me. It cut my lip open. I grabbed the keyboard, unhooked it, and rushed him. I rammed it into his stomach and Jim collapsed on the floor, apparently with the wind knocked out of him. I took various cables from the computer and tied him up to the computer table. I then told him to open the door which he reluctantly did. Following an old hallway, I came accross a room with various laptops in it. Itook one and hooked it up to a cellular phone I found. There was a strange glow now emmitting from the computer room I just left, so I thought I'd just leave it alone and go to sleep. After I woke up, I wrote this using the laptop's modem hooked up to the cellular. ISTENCES PS: Don't forget to tune in tommorow for an unexpected discovery! 12/19: Speaking of... Name: Istences #13 Date: Sun May 10 21:35:28 1992 Ok. I spent the majority of today trying to get out of freakin' an elevator. Yeah, there's a story to this one, too! Anyway, I went to investigate the glow in the other room. I was very cautious and was holding out a 3 1/2 inch disk ready to fling. When I reached the room, there was Jim and it appeared he was holding a freakin' BLACK MASS! In the middle of the room, there was a pentagram drawn in chalk and all around the outskirts were shady figures peering out from behind cloaks. I looked for the computer table, but it was nowhere to be found. The glow was emmitting from a monitor set up in the center of the pentagram. Jim was holding a sacrificial knife above the monitor as if it were an altar. Jim turned to me and said "YOU!" I said, "Me?" The cloaked figures then started chanting "YOU!!! YOU!!! YOU!!!" I almost wet my pants! Suddenly, the entire room lit up in a flare and a huge devilish figure that somewhat resembled George Burns on steroids appeared in the middle of the pentagram. "I am the ancient one, Yu." So Yu was the name of the demon. Wow. I guess you learn something new everyday! I just barely ducked as someone's private part went flying over my head and embedded itself in the stone wall behind me. I was so scared that it had not dawned on me at the time that this thing was actually pelting me with genita s! I quickly left the room, the demon hot on my trail and things flying from around me. I ran back into the laptop room and went through the other door. As it turns out, the door led into an elevator. The demon was too close now, so I did the only thing I could think of-- I MELVINED him. A hideous scream filled the air and I quickly shut the door and pushed the down arrow. It would not work! DAMN! I tried opening the door. Wouldn't budge. Frustrated, I sat down and called Swirl's to tell what happened. ISTENCES 13/19: Next chapter... Name: Istences #13 Date: Wed May 13 15:43:17 1992 Alright, finally I got a chance to reveal the next part of the unfolding plot. So there I was, trapped in an elevator. And the damned thing wouldn't let me out. I sat there for a little while and then out of frustration, I hit my fist on the wall as hard as I could. This, for some reason, made the elevator react because it lit up and started whirring and buzzing. I felt just like Fonzie! So being as this was an elevator, I decided to make use of it. I pushed the down arrow and as soon as I did so, my stomach was in my throat and I was plastered to the ceiling! Talk about G-FORCE!!! The elevator seemed to be getting faster and faster and I didn't know how much more I could take. I thought I was gonna spew chunks! I noticed a little speedometer on the wall (don't as ME what it was doing there), so I read it: Mach 7....mach 8....mach 9.... BANG!!!! Flash!!! Suddenly, there was a huge crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning shot across the width of the elevator. I figured it could only be one thing. -- We had reached time warp! I almost envisioned my self talking to Scotty in the Engine room. The force of the impact threw me onto the floor and I sat there, recovering. After a while, I started hearing slurping and sucking noises from above. I looked up and the elevator calmly stated that it was going to eat me. Wonderful. First, I almost lost my lunch now I'm going to BE lunch. There was only one way out -- and I sure wished at the time that I knew what it was. I looked the elevator straight in the eye(?) and firmly said "Let me out now or you're scrap metal." The elevator did not appear phased. "I have a bomb in my pocket." No reply. "How bout some money?", I asked. Instantly a drawer similar to that of a bank opened up in the side, so, grumbling, I emptied my pocket change and the doors slid open. I stepped out into a forest and the elevator vanished behind me. Taking into account my new surroundings, I sat down under a tree and called. ÄËÄ ÚÄ¿ ×sÅäï<ä \ ÄÊÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ 15/19: Under a tree.... Name: Istences #13 Date: Fri May 15 21:09:26 1992 So there I was, under a tree writing on my good ole' computer hooked up to cellular telephone (Some telephone bill SOMEBODY's gonna have!) And when I was done, I looked up... Lo and Behold, an apple fell down and hit me in the face. This was enough to knock me unconcious because I awoke in a dank, dirty cell with stuff on the walls that you would expect to find in the dark corners of the mens' room at a pub. In the corner, I couldn't help but notice a roll of toilet paper. Thinking nothing of it at the time, I stuck it in my pocket (big pockets, I know.). I was tired, hungry and very angry so I started banging on the cell bars. After a while, I got someone's attention, and a large dark-skinned fellow came over and told me "You can have an audience now." Fine with me I thought, it was about time I started entertaining someone. So he shoved me down the old stone hallway. It seemed to me that we were in a castle. My theory was proved when we entered the throne room. Seated on the throne was a healthy man with a crown and a light brown beard. Holy crap, it was Lord British right out of the Ultima games!!! He started to speak to me when all of the sudden, 3 gargoyle-like creatures appeared in the middle of nowhere and attacked. I couldn't do anything but watch as they killed the king's knight and his mage and Lord B sat there and watched. Then he killed each and every demon with a single touch. I couldn't help but have feelings of hate return after all those times of trying to kill him in the game and not even putting a scratch on him. "What a CHEATER!!!" I yelled at him, unknowingly at the time. He looked up. "Eh?" I could barely contain myself, "You little bastard! You think you're so big and bad because noone can hurt you, don't you? Yeah, well why don't you try not programming a game and see how it feels!" He appeared not to know what I was talking about and started to get up from his throne. I instinctively held up my fingers in a cross, "Don't come NEAR me, you cheater! You must think you have a lot of friend just because you incorporate things into games such as an armageddon spell that kills every body except you! Well...." --ISTENCES 18/19: Well... Name: Istences #13 Date: Mon May 18 16:15:26 1992 ... have I got something for you ---" I began to roll up my sleeves when all of the sudden a voice from behind me called: "A NEW CAR!!!" What in the hell? I turned around. There was a dorky looking man dressed in a new suit slowly coming up the stairs. "Yes, that's right and you didn't think it could happen to you! Well it has. Come, let me show you your prize.... " He started walking toward me and I felt overjoyed!!! I had never won anything in my life. Not even out of cereal boxes. I could almost hug the guy. He walked toward me and proceeded past me and walked up to Lord British and ushered him out of the room. Man did I feel like an ass! Like I said, what a freakin' cheater! Even in my OWN story I don't win. Life REALLY sucks! So sat down, sulking and I began to cry. A small boy came up to me and I looked at him and smiled, tears streaming down my face. The boy was so innocent, so cute "What a fucking PUSSY!" he yelled at me. So rude. That had done it. I picked the boy up, carried him to the kitchen, and threw him kicking and screaming into the oven! There you little brat. At this point, I had little or no self esteem, so I called up Swirl's to relay my story and maybe find something to cheer me up. But NOOOO, what did I see? Some dude on the voting questions said my stories suck big time and that they have a problem with me. That was it. I went to the nearest cliff and looked down. Long way. Oh well, once I hit the water, I won't feel a thing. So off I went flailing, falling, screaming, wondering why in the world I was describing my descent at all and SPLASH!!! Into the water!!! 4000 foot fall off a cliff and into the water. I swam around for a little while and suddenly I realized that I was hot dead, in fact, I could breathe the water! TO BE CONTINUED... ÄËÄ ÚÄ¿ ×sÅäï<ä \ ÄÊÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ 19/19: Something... Name: Istences #13 Date: Sun May 24 15:47:17 1992 was definitely smelling fishy here, so I swam down a little further and notice that I was in fact a fish (of sorts). Cool. I was tempted to swim down and find those water beings in the abyss, but I didn't have enough time. Looking about, I saw an old, ruined ship in the distance. I swam over there, hoping to find sunken treasure. Once on the submerged deck, I noticed that this ship must have sunk a long time ago. I set out and explored the premisis. I didn't encouter anything of any particular interest until I reached the mast. I climbed up and looked around at the beautiful scenery. From my vantage point, I noticed a small, hidden deck slightly out of reach from the main deck. And I would have swam down to it too, if it had not been for a large vortex of water sucking down any last debris right below it. Still, though, my curiosity got the better of me and I realized that I had to get down there lest I never find another interesting part to add to the storyline! I grabbed the nearest rope and tied it into a lasso type shape and whirled it down there where it latched on to the nearest hook jutting out of a wall. (I KNEW that experience as a cowhand back in Texas would help me someday!). I slid down the rope, narrowly avoiding the strong vortex that yanked at my ankles. I quickly slid into an opening in the side the hull and found myself in a secret room! The only distinguishing feature here was a closed door with various air bubbles coming out of it. At last, air! I opened the door, unthinkingly and was quickly washed into a room full of gold and silver! I stood up and brushed myself off. This was sure a big room! I found myself standing on top of an island of gold and aparently this room was so big, it could accomodate the entire ocean. I'd certainly like to meet the interior decorator. I filled my pockets and started jumping onto the different islands of gold when suddenly, one of the island rose up to form the head of a giant creature! When I saw what it was, I couldn't believe my EYES! To be continued... ÄËÄ ÚÄ¿ ×sÅäï<ä \ ÄÊÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Read:(1-19,^19),? : WIGGINATOR!!! Damn! In that second before our eyes met, I remember back to my childhood when we all made fun of a kid name Bill Messer. But now, it seemed that the kid had retaliated against life itself. It would do no good to small-talk this character now! For, as I well knew, there was only ONE way to properly dispose of the legendary Wigginator and at the same time ensure his not returning. I had to move fast, as the clan of K-terrorists was approaching rapidly and already Wigginator had begun swinging his chains of power!!! Next chapter.... ÄËÄ ÚÄ¿ ×sÅäï<ä \ ÄÊÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ 25/50: And then... Name: The Programmer #3 @2569 Date: Wed Sep 09 11:43:26 1992 I started to act out my plan. I ran outside the store, making sure to get a *REAL* gun first and then started to drive to the Mall in the K-Mobile. Just as I suspected, the Wiggenator followed in the WigCar. It was a HIGH speed chase, (we were doing 26) and then we got to the mall. I immediately ran to the nearest store selling *GOOD* looking clothes. I got into position, then he came (dumb as he is) right in front of me (and in front of the store). I started Firing! As I knew, it did not effect him, but the speed of the bullets was knocking him towards the store! One more round, and he'll be in the store! No! Damn! I'm out of AMMO! Chapter 5 continues... °±²ÛThe ProgrammerýÛ²±° Read:(1-50,^25),? : 26/50: Chapter 5 of the the K-mart Kronicles Name: Istences #9 @2569 Date: Wed Sep 09 14:53:14 1992 Using his wiggersense, he immediately knew I was out of ammo the moment that my gun started clicking. Damn! Alright. New plan. There was still ONE way that I could win. But this plan might in fact endanger all of Pottstown as we know it! Nevertheless, it had to be tried, and I had only seconds to do it. I started planning my timing and as soon as he lept at me, I ducked under him sending him sprawling on the floor. Perfect. Now that I had the advantage, I thought quickly and started taunting him, "Nah nah nah nah nah, wiggey-pooh can't catch me!!!" This made him slightly pissed off; just as I wanted! He ran after me in a fit of utter rage. Now that I had him in the mall, I led him into the Waterbed country store, ignoring the age limit signs. Following in quick pursuit, he carelessly tripped and landed on one of the beds. This was my chance!! I dexteriously whip out a knife from my boot and sliced a hole in the waterbed. He looked at me in utter horror as the water touched his skin and started searing him. "No, NO!! I'm melting, nooooo.... Oh no... What a world what a world.... noooooooooooooooo......." His cries faded into the background as I heaved a sigh of relief and heavilly plopped myself down on the nearest chair. Before I could get a moment's rest in, though, the most grotesque, slimy, smelly skeleton of a being I've ever seen arose from out of the slime that used to be the wigger. It started lumbering toward me with no sign of retreat. I was so shocked, I didn't even have time to react before its claws were clenched around my rapidly closing throat.... What happenz next....? ÄËÄ ÚÄ¿ ×sÅäï<ä \ ÄÊÄ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Read:(1-50,^26),? : 27/50: I'm Back!!!! Name: Korzon #8 @2569 Date: Fri Sep 11 09:29:30 1992 Yes, it's me Korzon. Back to add my 2 bits. Here it goes.... I quickly proceeded to kick this skeletal dude it the pelvis and he cringed.. I ran to the K mobile with the skeletal wigger close behind. I get there and, low and behold, TOONCES, the cat who could drive a car, is there waiting for me. I hopped in and instructed him to get us back to K-mart, FAST! Just as we're pulling out, the wigginator's hand comes thrusting through the window! I looked around for a means of defense. There it was!! I grabed a plastic pirate sword that just happened to be on the floor. "Take that!!" I screamed As I chopped off the arm of the wigginator. He fell off the car and ran back to the wigger mobil. I chucked his arm out the window and it flew back to the wigginator and graphted back on. Toonces, for the first time EVER didn't crash. Ww got there safe and sound and I raced into the Store. I ran over to the 90 year old babe selling slushies. I ignored Chill-out who was standing there tring to seduce her, and ordered a slushy, hold the slush. This pure slush flavor will desolve anything I knew. In walks the wigginator! I threw the slush flavor at it's legs. It worked!! His legs were proptly eaten away by the stuff. But he was still crawling toward me!! I ordered some more and poured it over his upper body. Oh no!!! his head was still crawling toward me using it's tongue!! I only had $3000 left and couldn't afford to buy another slushy!! Luckily, She cut me a break, cause she said I was cute. I dissolved the head. It was over. Then, chill out starts screaming at me!! "You trying to hussle in on my babe?!?! He jumped on me and started pounding the shit out of me!!... |